I handed my portfolio in today for my introduction to counselling course. I felt so elevated this morning, i got up (a feat of late) had a shower, used my new lush shampoo, put eyeliner on, donned my newly washed Parker, and my school bag, and caught the bus so i would get in 30 minutes early in order to buy an almond croissant and get a free coffee from waitrose.

(Its not middle class, if it was i would BUY the coffee)

Then i had my 5 minute formality interview for level 2 and was pretty much told i was going to pass, which was a good result.

Although after i felt really numb. I didn’t feel like i thought i should do, and i cant really put my finger on why. For about a month and a half now i have been so removed from everything going on around me. I’m just sort of functioning, doing the basics.

My care coordinator came to see me last week, as she does monthly since i left DBT. I told her all of this, and she said ”well at-least your not self harming, that’s something to be very proud of”

I agree with her, its great iv’e not self harmed in a long time, but at the same time i sort of feel that at-least self harming is a feeling. I said in a way i would rather have that feeling than this endless numbness. I’m not feeling like i want to self harm at all, i just mean i wish i could feel something.

Its been months since a medication increase, and i’m wondering if i need to take it back down. I felt a little better today, there was a flash of something, but it only really lasted a few hours. At least i am writing this, maybe it proves i am starting to awake again and do things beyond the basic.



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