10 times out of 10, when i have gone into full on suicidal melt down, i have been doing nothing for days, weeks or months. Not looking after myself, my home or my life in general. my self respect goes straight out the window.
Depression is not something you can ‘clean’ yourself through, i know this from experience. Sometimes all i can manage to do when i am severely depressed is be ‘awake’ for at least 40% of the day. Even then i ignore the entire world and just chat online to fellow sufferers.
Wallowing in my own melancholy.
This has a knock on effect on not only my mood, but the people around me, i turn into a horrible abusive person, and my loved ones don’t deserve that.
The silver lining for me is keeping busy. If i can just do one productive thing a day, i end up boosting my self esteem and feel slightly better about my situation. I don’t want to plug DBT too much in my blog as i realise its not always the answer, but there is a list in the book called the ‘Pleasant events list’ and i find it really helpful to pick something off of it, and JUST DO IT! Don’t think about it, JUST DO IT!
Today i did a thorough house clean, changed all our bedding, bought some things online, wrote out the Christmas cards, and made a lovely dinner. Obviously this was a rather productive day, and i am not too depressed at the moment, so getting the motivation to be productive was relatively easy.
You don’t have to do all those things to get the benefit of the same feeling, one small thing that gives you a sense of accomplishment will do.
The feeling i currently have from being so occupied and taking pride in myself and my surroundings is worth the effort it takes to get my brain to WANT to do these things. I feel energised, content, happy and proud.
The future seems like a much brighter place with the thought that maybe one day, i can generate enough of this positivity, and learn new ways of boosting my mood, so i will no longer have to rely on medication.